Addict: Mirage

On Tonight’s Episode of Intervention:

 

Addiction to an imaginary aim

 

People can’t find their authentic self

…I can’t find my authentic self

Have I found it and I just don’t like it?

 

Isn’t that… I don’t know…

 

I think I need a CHANGE

 

I’m existing with a virus inside myself

this stuff, it’s not me

me is somewhere else

and this thing, this sickness,

 

has taken over the “i”

 

i can’t pee

i’ve tried to pee for three days

i only pee a little

maybe i have an enlarged prostate

 

i’m a little excited about the idea

prostate cancer: something would be happening

something real or something

sometimes i wonder about my parents dying

or something

equally bad

and there’s a hope that maybe i’d become a true person out of it

kinda evil

 

caught in the enlightenment trap

does a being benefit?

from catching someone

in the net of word philosophizing

anti-philosophizing itself?

 

have i done anyone a benefit by this?

let’s be honest:

i don’t know

i just don’t know

art is just a window to a personality

or a mental frame

 

good mental frame, good art

good honesty and so on

 

“liking things is a disease of the mind”

see?

i’m caught, i can’t help but think like this

somehow a solution usually feels too easy or,

no,

too mundane

the solution will give me something ordinary

 

“ordinary mind is the way”

what if i believed,

in a faith kind of way,

an unproveable, kind of fundamental axiom ultimately incomplete way,

that i am valuable,

that my life has value,

that who i am is worth something,

somehow,

and that i’m allowed to be happy?

 

will it make everyday life fun?

 

i don’t care anymore

i want to let loose

i will tell the truth

i won’t try to hide it when something feels very broken

and boring

in the way i think

 

i’ll find some better way

i am that i am

i am who i am, i meant to say

 

life will be okay

there is a beautiful life

somewhere

i will inherit it,

like a trust fund

 

i don’t care if this doesn’t make sense

i just want to believe i’m valuable

what i am is a valuable human being

grasping at a cloud,

i will get frustrated

 

someday it will make sense

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About vurinstitute

Horatio Somersault is the Director and Regent Chancellor of the VUR Institute, a think tank involving some as-yet-unknown and slightly spooky manipulations of time and interdimensionality. In his spare time Somersault enjoys writing poems and fables. You can read his writings, as well as those of other VUR inhabitants, at vurinstitute.wordpress.com. Though he lives a wanderer's life, his hometown is a domed biome inside the water core of the moon Europa. You can follow his experiences adapting to the customs of the early 21st century on his Twitter @VURdirector and can email him at vurinstitute at gmail dot com.
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