Six Poems Comissioned by Louise Helle for the Purposes of [Unknown and/or Redacted]


  1. “Waiting for your girlfriend to finish her cigarette while inside the Toyota and outside the Coffee Shop”


just a moment ago

I was sitting in a car


I am sitting in a chair in a coffee shop

are they the same? or different?

I was just served a caffeine drink in a styrofoam cup

someone said “something something cosmic order”

I agree, somehow


  1. “she doesn’t remember what the second one was supposed to be about”


I don’t remember what iiiii am supposed to be about

sad me

sad, sad day

every day a sad day

sad poet writer… just kidding

not really

just kidding

not really


aw, hell

  1. “a poet for hire”


she saw a poet for hire at a bar last night

she was taught swing dancing

I stayed home and pretended to sleep

managed to masturbate once

couldn’t sleep

wanted to get up at 5:30


maybe I’ll try harder next time

I wish someone would hire me, for a job that

requires nothing,

and pays me both in livable sums of money

and also self-acceptance,

I will be paid

with the acceptance of myself

and I will have done nothing

to deserve it

maybe this…? nope, definitely not.


  1. “an electrician is made a fool of by a local youth”


someone switched a pole number

with another pole number

and he was confused, very briefly,

then decided he would rather

go home and sleep an entire day, wishing maybe he could make it

to two days, but knowing

his roommates would probably be too loud and also that

he couldn’t live with himself for that decision,

or something else equally stupid,

EQUALITY of stupidity

is like a long line graph of my life that stays

entirely horizontal

measured at each moment as

“you’re being stupid”

cf. now,

and the next moment “now now”

and right now as well–


equally stupid



  1. “something about window shutters”


window shutters are an example of things in the universe I cannot connect

meaningfully to

and are joined in this by

cat bowls

household electronics

the maintenance or practical knowledge of anything

and also “how to form a stable daily routine”

and also “how to stop thinking so hard about nothing”

and also “how to make a living off of a knowledge of the history of western philosophy

that you disown entirely and are forgetting, thoroughly, daily”



  1. “in the form of a resume”



aka eisman hegel

aka horatio somersault



dyingaloneeachday,unsuccessfully at fuckyourself dotcom

also, for personal requests,

Iamneverinthezone at hotmail

and for serious professional business

dumb at dumb dot com


I graduated from a college

after six years

maintaining a bipolar disorder throughout, successfully

(you can find evidence

in the sine wave of excellent and horrible grades)

and never did anything great

except a few things, maybe,

you can read about them if you want

but they’re… aw, hell

hire me


my work experience involves

showing a pseudo-form of myself

pretending to be other people

that are more professional than I am,

orchestrated masquerade of it,

and also I pushed shopping carts for a summer


I have practiced, sincerely,

having the strangest metacognition experiments

that each time make you feel like

you stood up from your chair, spun around once,

sat back down,

and told yourself there was something fundamental you failed to

realize about the nature of reality


I am self-taught in being a pussy

I released a debut single under my rap name

yung baby soft

“scared all the time”

with a simple hook

many adlibs

and a line that goes “everything fucking scares me, ugh”


hire me

don’t make me do anything

I am using microsoft word right now so you know I can do that ok

I volunteer my time

doing things you wouldn’t want to do for money

I mean it


About vurinstitute

Horatio Somersault is the Director and Regent Chancellor of the VUR Institute, a think tank involving some as-yet-unknown and slightly spooky manipulations of time and interdimensionality. In his spare time Somersault enjoys writing poems and fables. You can read his writings, as well as those of other VUR inhabitants, at Though he lives a wanderer's life, his hometown is a domed biome inside the water core of the moon Europa. You can follow his experiences adapting to the customs of the early 21st century on his Twitter @VURdirector and can email him at vurinstitute at gmail dot com.
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